To run?

To run or not to run?...that is the question. The thought of it revolts me. I ran in junior high and high school. I was even quick at the mile. But that was umpteen pounds ago. Between asthma and weight on the joints - the thought makes me cringe. 

I did not get here overnight even though it feels like I did. Therefore, running is not going to be an easy feat. I am not sure how to even begin other than get up and move. 

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)

I can only fail if I give up. Success is not measured by the end result but by the journey and keeping it alive. There will be prizes along the way and gems that God sets before me. Ultimately, I just need to move. 

I have planned to start tomorrow afternoon. I have also planned on deep cleaning my house. It will not get me out of my depression but it will have a result. It will not burn calories but it will make me feel pleased with something. 

Mullet over

It is a cute play on words don't you think?!  I am mulling over my life and where I need to go. I am trying to stay still so I can hear what God wants. In all honesty, I know He is there but I am not hearing much other than He is here. So, I will press on. 

The reason for my title is my hair. Recently, I had a haircut I cannot stand. I am grateful my hair grows quickly as I currently have a mullet. I really have a theory that my hair grows slower when I hate the cut. I have not measured but I feel like it goes into hiding due to shame. Anyway, I feel butch and like a redneck all  at the same time. 

It is funny how hair can make us feel something at all. I think it has just stripped me down to more raw emotions about how I feel about myself right now. There is not much I like and I really do not like that either.  I want to be excited to wake up. There is an adventure in every day. There are just certain circumstances that have me down and I cannot change them because they are not about me. So, I will have to mullet over or mull it over. This life needs to be different. 

I played tennis the last two days and did a small mini workout in addition. I am sore and tight but I am moving. I am eating well overall and getting more creative with that. My thought process about breakfast is a hard thing to break. I am so used to that cereal or bagel. 

Here is my verse for today;  

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (Philippians 3:12 NIV)

Zip Code

Ok, I saw a picture of myself today and I have never looked larger than I do now. I am thoroughly disgusted. I sat there wondering why I do not see the severity when I look at myself in the mirror. 

I was freezing after a cold day watching my daughter play tennis. I decided to take a bath. As I was undressing, I did the unthinkable...I looked in the mirror. At first glance I saw what I have seen all along. Then I turned...what?!  Where did that come from?!  My rear end and thighs had their own zip code. I am not a big fan of looking backward but maybe I need to. Holy cow. What happened?!  How could I not see this before today?!  No wonder my children do not want to take after me. Such an embarrassng thing whenever they say it. People have actually asked what happened to me because I have said I was thin. They do not believe me. Wow. The biggest I ever was while pregnant was 145. So I must be having quintuplets. Oh wait - I am pregnant with fat. When is the due date?!!!

I am not saying this to rip myself apart. I really did not see it. I am embracing it and moving on. I am overwhelmed with the thought of turning this around but that is not going to fix it. 

I did well overall with food today. It was a full day and a depressing day. I cannot live with myself like this. So, it is time to take the unwanted guest known as my butt and escort her to the door. You are not welcome here. 

My devotion today was:

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10 NIV)

What are you staring at that is glaring you in the face?  Can you see it?

Prologue

I have spent the greater part of my adulthood in a battle. Sometimes the battle has been with other people, at times with myself and sometimes with God. All the while, I have sat back hoping and praying for a rescue. Little life rafts have come my way but never leading anywhere out of the never ending whirlpool. I have only succeeded in feeling insignificant and worse. 

I am broken - in every sense of the word. What is even sadder is that I feel like that old nursery rhyme about Humpty Dumpty only I look like him too. This is not me. This is a shell of who I am. 

My new journey breaking free of all that binds me starts today. If you are one of the very few I invite to read this - I hope you will also start the journey to break free of what binds you. 

I am broken but I am breaking free! May the Lord bless this journey abundantly.